Change is always difficult, but sometimes it's necessary. Here's Enfiniti's story of how she embraced change for the better.

This series is a part of the Hindsight series. If you don't know what that is, here's a brief summary:

The Hindsight series consists of guest posts from various bloggers sharing their stories on Bloomly about any personal experience that they might have encountered that reflects personal growth, self-improvement, and/or struggles with mental health. The Hindsight series is about looking back on experiences that shaped who we are and have helped us grow, which we only see now with hindsight.

Learn more: About the Hindsight Series 
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Goodbyes are hard. I’ve always hated them because usually they bring unwanted change. Losing friends was something I hated as well, because then I felt alone. But this is one goodbye and friendship that was truly for the best and made me feel more whole.

In middle school I spent most my days with killer migraines, lightheaded and weak. Freshman and sophomore year, I spent most days pinching and torturing myself. I cried all the time, I was far from happy. I pushed my body to extremes and got no results.

I became a victim of atypical anorexia. I worked out excessively, stopped eating meat, counted my calories, barely ate at all, didn’t eat before or after certain times. I followed every rule of anorexia that I read online as if my life depended on it, yet I still felt “fat”.

My hair was falling out and my health declining and no progress, you can imagine my frustration. I was angry and sick, overall miserable on the inside. I was so hard on myself for four years of my life.

I hated my body with a burning passion. I used to mark areas of my body, scratch the parts I hated (my thighs and arms), pinched my stomach or bit my lip when I was hungry. I hated my thighs and arms because they were large. My arms were too big in my eyes and I had and still do, huge muscular thighs, I wanted a thigh gap. I told myself that if I was smaller I would be happier. I never reached my goal. I spent most days crying and every day with an inferior complex. I felt dirty and disgusting.

I went all of middle school with Ana being my friend and idol. She was who I went to when I felt lonely, when I was angry, and she gave me a sense of control. I realized “Ana” wasn’t my friend or my source of happiness a few years into high school. She was the exact opposite. She was satan in disguise. She was there to tear me down and break me. It was the hardest pill I had to swallow because I thought Ana would be the solution to all my problems.

If I said goodbye to her I was saying goodbye to control, not having the lonely feeling, and facing reality. 

It was hard trying to change my lifestyle back to normal or healthy. The first time eating a greasy cheeseburger was the worst guilt and disgust I ever felt. Forcing myself to eat, stopping my bad habits, it was really hard but it had to be done.  I stopped my bad habits by tracking them, letting certain friends know about how I felt, and journaling.

Summer before my junior year I started to accept myself after realizing this situation was the symptom of something bigger. I realized I had to accept myself and say goodbye to Ana in order to find some peace and joy in my life.

That summer was hard due to the fact I had moved and was switching schools. I was away from all my friends and my normal. During that time I had a lot of time to myself and in that time I learned the importance of self-care and what it means to love yourself. I got a healthy routine started for myself, especially when I realized how much the situation impacted my life. I would wake up early in the morning, eat a light breakfast and read. Afterwards I would workout for 30 mins, yoga somedays, then I’d read or watch a movie or find something that kept me busy.

Flash forward to 2018, I had grown a lot from previous years. I still strongly disliked areas of my body but I was also accepting and loving other parts, I also had more peace with myself. Progress. Things that help me is daily journaling, affirmations, strong female influencers and other people’s voices/stories. Also having a support system helped.

If I’m being honest, in this moment I’m still not 100% comfortable with every part of my body, I’m still fighting some demons. 

Every now and then, I’ll find myself looking to see if my collarbone is still visible or pinching myself and I have to stop and remind myself of who I am and how far I’ve come.

The journey to loving yourself and body isn’t easy. Sometimes it’s not even your body or you, it can be a problem much deeper than your body and you’ll have to tackle that as well.

I learned it’s much more of a mental battle than I thought. 

You literally have to change the way you think and see yourself as well as everything surrounding you.  It’s one of those things that you constantly have to work on and know your worth kind of thing. Learning to be enough for yourself is something really important with Ana. I spent most times trying to live up to societal standards and I lost myself. In the process of loving myself I had to rediscover who I was and had to learn how to be enough for myself first. I think that’s one of the biggest lessons I learned.

I highly recommend spending time alone, giving yourself time and space to love yourself. Cut out social media and whatever else sets you back so you can focus fully on yourself. Being active helped me too surprisingly, such as joining a team or participating in yoga helps.

I pray that whatever you’re going through, you find peace and learn to love yourself and truly accept yourself. Also know you’re not alone and it’s okay. Take baby steps. 

About the Author: Enfiniti
Enfiniti is a high school and soon to be college lifestyle + faith blogger. She loves encouraging others to be their best selves and a strong believer in laughing. In her free time she loves journaling/writing, reading and participating in Young Life. She also enjoys killing time on Pinterest, scrolling through Twitter for the best memes, and trying to perfect her feed on Instagram.

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